Ho Chi Minh City - The Sad Stuff

Vietnam was never in my plan. But then again, my plan ended on April 21st after graduating from my yoga teacher training in Bali (more to come on that, I’m still trying to figure out how to write about it). Back in November when I was deciding where to travel to anything past April felt too far out to determine in advance. What if I was homesick and I wanted to return? What if I fell in love with Bali and wanted to stay? What if I was tired of Asia? What if I met some friends who wanted to travel… There were two girls in my yoga class who were going to Vietnam afterwards and I'd heard good things from travelers I'd met along the way. People loved the natural beauty of the countryside and the food. So I decided to join them.

But my first stop in the country was not in nature, it was the most populated city in the country, Ho Chi Minh City, the capital of what used to be South Vietnam, the financial center of modern Vietnam, and home to 14 million people and 10 million scooters. It's not the kind of place I normally choose to visit. I live in cities, and I mostly travel to get away from them. I go to see the most beautiful landscapes that this world has to offer. Culture is bonus, but nature is my primary goal. Well HCMC was the exact opposite of beautiful nature, but it included friends. And being around the world means I don't have many of those right now.

You may know Ho Chi Minh by another name, it was previously called Saigon. Buckle up folks, because this post has a lot of history. Because my past couple of days were all about history, culture, and maybe a little about food :) Here is a (very) brief summary of Vietnam. In the north, Vietnam borders China, it then makes its way down the coast in a thin sliver of land past Loas, Thailand and Cambodia. For centuries it's been of interest to the Chinese because the largest River in Southeast Asia, Mekong, flows through China and down through Vietnam to empty in the South China Sea. China has tried multiple times to invade the country and take over the territory, but has never succeeded.

In the mid 1800's the French arrived to colonize the country. They were interested in the natural resources Vietnam had to offer and were on a spree of being ethnocentric ass holes taking over over nations. Or something like that. Saigon was a name given to Ho Chi Minh City by the French. There are a few rumors as to how this name originated, but usually it is attributed to a mispronunciation of the word for the cotton tree that was growing in the area. This mispronunciation is not surprising, Vietnamese is a complicated language, their letters may look the same as ours, but the phonetic sounds are nuanced in a way that ours are not.

The French governed in South Vietnam for over a century, it wasn't all assholery. They invested in infrastructure, provided support and helped modernize the country. I was told by one of our local tour guides that many of the people of Saigon liked the French influence. They were not free to govern themselves, but they were provided for, and their lives were mostly happy. The French withdrew in 1954 and the Americans replaced them providing much of the same support the French had. But of course, we were not there to be generally helpful, we were there to keep an eye on North Vietnam, which was operating as in independent country. Oh yea, and they were communists.

I'm not going to give a history account of the Vietnam War. I don't know enough to do it justice. I am going to share my experience learning about it. On our second day in Ho Chi Minh we visited the War Remnants Museum. Until 1991 it was called the American Crime Museum. Honestly, both are accurate. The museum walked through the atrocities the people of Vietnam suffered during the war. From being rounded up for being communist and subjected to labor camps, tortured while there, and then 'rehabilitated'. There were entire rooms dedicated to the villages that had been massacred, innocent civilians ordered to be executed. It didn't even begin to cover the rape and murder that occurred by American soldiers of Vietnamese women, we had to look that up on our own afterward. We learned about the 8 million pounds of bombs dropped, (for context 3 million were dropped in the entirety of WWII), many of which remain unexploded in the ground, and the devastation caused by Agent Orange (napalm). That was perhaps the saddest part, because the chemical is so toxic it not only killed anyone it was dropped on, but also got into the water sources and food. An entire generation of Vietnamese people were born with birth defects after the war was over, as soldiers returned home and started families. And their children were born with birth defects. And theirs. They've now reached the 4th generation of Agent Orange victims, with babies still born today that are impacted, just because their great grandfathers were exposed to it during the war.

I cannot conceive of a motivation worth inflicting this cruelty on over 3 million human beings. The entire place was somber, the only other time I've felt that way was when I visited the 9/11 Memorial in New York. About halfway through I began to cry. On the wall, along with picture after picture of murdered Vietnamese civilians were these words:

Our own words, repeated back to us. The hypocrisy impossible to ignore.

I felt a lot of things that day. I felt guilty for belonging to a nation that would instigate such tragedies. I felt confused about how long we are supposed to hold this guilt from the past. I felt heartbroken that this degree of violence could even exist in the world. I felt scared that we are currently fighting wars where it probably still does. I felt angry that I learned more about the war in one day than in 18 years of school in the US. I felt embarrassed that I never took it upon myself to learn about it on my own. I felt grateful that I was brave enough to open my eyes and look. I felt ashamed that I've let myself live in ignorance for 31 years. I feel trepidation knowing there is so much else in our world that I now have to look at.

But I'm glad I went. Being ignorant does not make it untrue. Avoiding tragedy may keep me from one type of acute, obvious pain; but it creates another type of subtle, creeping pain. The pain of knowing that I was not brave enough to look upon reality, that I was not brave enough to feel other humans suffer. And to know I am not brave, that's the worst part, because it means I'm not living up to my own values. It's a betrayal of self that now that I see it, I cannot unsee.

I learned this about myself that day. I avoid all types of pain and discomfort on a daily, even hourly basis. Most of my life is set up in order to avoid being uncomfortable. But when I think back on my most rewarding moments over the past couple of years (running, mountain climbing, traveling, moving) none of them are comfortable. Isn't that interesting. Well, you can't change something you aren't aware of. At least now I'm aware. Between my yoga retreat and my Vietnam epiphanies I'm making a pretty good argument for travel being good for my mental health :)

The next couple of days were lighter. The history was still there, but modern Vietnam is difficult to ignore. It is loud, chaotic, vibrant, and delicious. After the war, when North and South Vietnam united Saigon was renamed Ho Chi Minh City after the first president of the newly united nation. In 1995 the US lifted sanctions on the country, and since that time have been providing a lot of support to help the country modernize. I was told by one tour guide that most Vietnamese people like Americans, they admire the Western way of life and appreciate the help we have provided. This is true especially of young people and especially in the south, where Vietnamese people continue to support capitalistic ideas. The same guide painted a two sided view of modern Vietnam. He said they had 50% free speech, but that peace and unification was more important than obtaining the other 50%. Southern Vietnam remains the quickly growing financial center of the country, the land of opportunity for young Vietnamese people with talent and ambition. While the government is run by the communist party, the economy runs on capitalism. The hand of communism is evident in the government. While there are elected officials, there is only one party, so power is distributed based on family and ties to the communist party. There are no women in their assembly. Getting a jobs in the north is based on how much money your parents have or your family lineage. So the country functions as something in the middle. If you are satisfied with the government's decisions then there is personal freedom and the ability to build wealth. If you are not, then there is no option for change. But there is also no war.

Which brings me to lots more feelings about being American. Grateful for the random luck of the draw of where I was born. Appreciative for things we consider basic like clean air, water, and bathrooms(!). Grateful for freedom, education and technology. Responsibility to participate in our democracy. Grateful for the strength of our economy and the value of the dollar which allows me to travel here for so long. Silly for what I consider a 'problem' when I'm at home. Privileged. Lucky. Thankful. Grateful. Grateful. Grateful.

Humbled.